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| DON’T GIVE ME THAT OLD TIME RELIGION by George Fish I. Inspired, and with a gleam in his eye, he now showed Galileo the instruments of torture that would be used against him if he did not recant. This man is now a saint in the Roman Catholic Church, proclaimed a holy, learned man after whom schools are justly named. Yes! Yes! Yes! This man is St. Charles Borromeo. “No! No! No!” he told the visiting American Catholics in 1876, “The Church alone is the repository of Ultimate Truth. It cannot share this guardianship with inferior Science.” He continued, “No! No! No! The Church alone upholds the eternal Law of our Lord God, the only True Law. It cannot bow to the political State, whose laws are made by mongrel denominations. From these the Church must stand aloof, alone, above them, over them, and dominant.” This man is also a saint in the Roman Catholic Church, proclaimed as well a holy, learned man after whom schools are justly named. Yes! Yes! Yes! This man is Pope St. Pius X. II. Dime-store Torquemadas abound on my TV screen, but not in monks’ robes. Instead, they wear expensive, custom-tailored suits. Nor do they have tonsures. Instead, they sport perfectly-styled hair, every hair in place, the Divine result of $50 haircuts. But the message is the same: “Repent! Fear Hell! Serve Jesus!” Only with a new twist. They now say, “Serve Jesus! and the value of your stocks will rise, your house will appreciate in value, and you will now proclaim the Brotherhood of Man without having pesky Hispanics and African Americans for neighbors.” These dime-store Torquemadas parade before me: Robert Schuller, Billy Graham, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Oral Roberts, Tammy Faye, Jim Bakker… Jim Bakker? How’d he get in? He must have sneaked in through deceit like Savanarola, who also proclaimed his fealty to God, but was smoked out as a heretic and justly burned at the stake. III. And speaking of steaks, God will provide them felicitously for your benediction, in the most exclusive and expensive restaurants in town. Serve Jesus! and he will truly serve you. |
| I AM GODZILLA. I AM GREATER THAN GOD! by George Fish I am Godzilla. I am greater than God! For one thing, I have a last name. Further, I destroy cities, I don’t just sit on a cloud for all eternity and fart. Moreover, I am greater than Jesus Christ. I destroy churches, I don’t allow them to do evil in my name. So, who am I? I am Godzilla! Godzilla! Godzilla! Godzilla! Godzilla, greater than God. |